As many of you know, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has recently come under fire for leaking classified information through Signal. Some have called him “a sloppy stumblebum who can’t be trusted with basic information, let alone classified information,” while others are Republicans. The AHS Action News Team sat down with Mr. Hegseth at his office (a liquor store in Arlington, Virginia) so he could HegSET the record straight.
AHS: Secretary Hegseth, thank you for meeting me.
HEGSETH: Shut the fuck up.
AHS: I’m sorry?
HEGSETH: You heard me. Just like I’ve heard you, I’ve heard all of you. Well, I got something for you, bub. It’s my middle finger.
AHS: I’m sorry, but I don’t know what you’re talking about.
HEGSETH: Don’t play dumb with me, Mr. Dumby-pants. You guys didn’t want me to be secretary of defiance.
AHS: You mean Defense.
HEGSETH: That’s what I said, deference.
AHS: Defense.
HEGSETH: Difference.
AHS: Defense.
HEGSETH: Whatever. I saw what you guys said about me. You said that I wasn’t qualified. You said that I was just an abusive alcoholic neo nazi, which is bullshit. I’m not an alcoholic.
AHS: You’re clearly drunk right now.
HEGSETH: Fake news.
AHS: I can smell you from here.
HEGSETH: That’s my cologne. It’s called sewage by Dior.
AHS: Okay, well, you can barely stand up.
HEGSETH: That’s because of my bad back. You’re making fun of me for having a bad back. That’s Abe-Lincolnist. Cancel cultured!
AHS: You’re literally holding a flask.
HEGSETH: Pft. You’re starting to sound like my mom. The next thing you’re going to say is, “Help! Police! He has a gun!” You’re just jealous that I’m the secretary of distance, and you’re not.
AHS: I am not jealous of you.
HEGSETH: Admit it. You’re a little jelly.
AHS: I am not.
HEGSETH: Just a bit. Just a bit of jelly. I’m fucking starving. Does anyone else want some toast?
AHS: Okay, Secretary Hegseth—
HEGSETH: Please. Secretary Hegseth was my father. Call me Captain Thunderballs.
AHS: Secretary Hegseth, I don’t think this is gonna work out. You’re clearly in no condition for this.
HEGSETH: Wanna know a secret? I was drunk the whole time.
AHS: Thank you for your time… I guess.
HEGSETH: Captain Thunderballs, away!