Earlier this week, heaven gained an angel, and America lost a hero. We, The Accountants of Homeland Security News Action Team/Backyard Moonshine Distillers, were shocked to hear that Colin Powell had died from complications from COVID-19. Mr. Powell was a true inspiration to us, and that’s why we are celebrating his life by invading a foreign country under false pretenses.
Now we will be the first to admit that we could never hold a candle to a man of integrity like Colin. After all, he selflessly stood by his party until the exact moment it was inconvenient. We could never hope to do battle against the kinds of global superpowers he went to war with, like Iraq, Panama, or small villages in rural Vietnam. Instead, we’re turning our eye to a more realistic target: Luxembourg.
According to our elite team of intelligence analysts (Tim after his third wine cooler), Luxembourg is the most dastardly point on the parabola of no goodness. They have stockpiled oodles of weapons of mass destruction and regularly disparage our freedoms. And you can believe Timmy. He skimmed a Tom Clancy novel once.
Admittedly, Operation: Luxembourgish Liberty seems far too expensive an adventure to pull off for a rag-tag group of sketch comedians, world-class lovers, and prolific online backgammon players. Most experts estimate the war costing somewhere north of “more money than all of our educations combined” and call our battle plans “an endless orgy of war crimes.” But, realistically, Mr. Secretary was worth it. Anything less than a trillion-dollar quagmire would be disrespectful.
We can only hope that Colin Powell will look down from heaven at our own multigenerational conflict based on lies and know that we’re thinking about him. And maybe, if we’re lucky, we too can be remembered fondly by centrist pundits and Democratic insiders as “not Trump.”