Washington D.C.- A new report detailing the catastrophic effects of climate change released on Tuesday has caused shock and outrage in the nation’s capital by being written in Comic Sans.
The report, which claims the earth will be rendered uninhabitable by 2040, inspired thousands across the country to take to the streets, chanting, “how am I supposed to read that?!”
“I couldn’t believe it,” said Susan Carmichael, a 38-year-old Exon executive who took to the streets. “All the letters looked like they were written in crayon.”
“I used to want kids,” said Rudy Palmer, a 25-year-old son of a BP Vice President who also joined the protests. “Then I read the report, and I don’t know if I can bring a child into a world with that kind of font.”
Even The White House has weighed in on the controversy. According to a statement released by press secretary Jen Psaki, the Biden administration is “dedicated to combating the long term effects of man-made Comic Sans.”
But not everyone was so convinced. Former President Donald Trump voiced his doubts about the font. “Comic Sans is a hoax made up by the Chinese to make American word docs weak,” he said in a press release littered with uncorrected typos.
There was even doubt on the other side of the aisle. Senator Joe Manchin (D-WV) stated that he would vote down any proposed legislation that would regulate the offending font. “I’m just worried about jobs. Think of all the typesetters who would lose their livelihood if we did anything too drastic,” he said, referring to a career that hasn’t existed for half a century.
Nevertheless, popular support for banning Comic Sans has reached a fever pitch. “Something must be done,” said Walter Johnson, a respected anti-silly font activist and two-time Shell employee of the month. “We’ve ignored the damage done by unprofessional lettering for far too long. If we don’t ban their use now, fashion blogs will be unreadable by 2040.”
The researchers behind the report didn’t have much to say. When asked for comment, head researcher Dr. Miles Transkei just stared at us blankly.