Encino, California- On Sunday, a three million-year-old hominid shocked researchers with a four-hour rant against Cancel Culture.
Scientists at The Academy of Enriched Sciences report that Ogg, a caveman recently revived from a block of ice, subjected them to a relentless tirade, ruining their nerdy weekend BBQ.
“It was horrible,” said Dr. Marsha Montgomery, an evolutionary biologist present at the event. “He just kept going on about when he was a kid and how he walked everywhere. Uphill. In the snow. On four legs.”
When asked for a comment, Ogg said, “It wasn’t that bad. All I said was back in my day, we didn’t worry about people’s feelings. We were way too busy worrying about real shit like sabertooth attacks, sheltering from the elements, or dying at age 25 from a small cut. Nothing to get your loincloth in a twist.”
But this is not the first time Ogg has done something like this. According to Dr. Falisha Linklater, an anthropologist studying Ogg, he has been acting like this for months. “Last week,” she said, “I had a couple of friends over, and he complained all night about how they ‘don’t make cave paintings like they used to.’”
“This just proves my point,” Ogg said. “People have gotten way too sensitive. You can’t even hunt, kill, and cook a wooly mammoth these days without people getting all upset and kicking you out of the zoo.”
“He doesn’t even know what voting is,” said Dr. Linklater, “but he insists that the election was stolen.”
But not everyone was so taken aback. “It’s actually kind of amazing if you think about it,” said Dr. Danny Turning, an archeologist also present. “I mean, Ogg just learned what racism is, and he’s already a fan. That’s impressive.”
“He used to be so nice,” sighed Dr. Linklater at the end of the interview. “Then we taught him English and showed him how to use Facebook. Then he got into Joe Rogan. Such a shame.”
“What these snot-nosed snowflakes gotta understand is that my speech is protected just like my right to brandish this heavy club is protected,” Ogg said, brandishing his heavy club. “And you can take this crudely fashioned weapon when you pry it out of my cold dead hands.”
Update: 3 days after press time, Ogg was found dead in his modest two-bedroom cavern. Doctors named the cause of death as literally every virus to evolve since the invention of language.